“At a university crawling with foreign students like TU Delft, there’s one thing all these internationals have in common. Heartbreak. Whether you’re Erasmus or International Masters, or even Dutch, you can appreciate the drama that goes along with a girlfriend or boyfriend across an ocean, and only available via Skype.
Distance can be trying on a relationship. In fact, so many relationships have failed because of the distance factor that one begins to wonder: is love really all you need?
Of course not. You also need support, friendship, physical contact and a bit of lust. Love goes a long way, but without being able to run up and give your boyfriend a big sloppy kiss when you just passed an exam, things can get somewhat tense. In any case, there’s always someone else around who’s instantly available for kissing, and well, this can be dangerous. Let’s just say, you can’t underestimate the power of presence. In so many break-up scenarios, the argument is just, ‘she was there‘, followed by an implied, ‘and you were not’.
Now I’m not here to defend infidelity, but I do think that words like ‘cheating’ aren’t always synonymous with a lack of loyalty. Meaningless sex has always been a refuge for some, and when you’re suddenly eight months and 10,000 km away from your sweetie, that nameless person next to you can start to look pretty appealing. So what to do? There are many different tactics for handling this, of course. Here are some tried and true solutions (although no one is promising a happily-ever-after for any of these):
The denial. Also known as the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ scenario. This one usually works if you both keep your mouths shut. The minute one partner asks (or tells), the relationship dissolves pretty quickly. A little thing called trust can be a huge factor in keeping that transatlantic flame alive.
So trust is important, but, well, how about honesty? Also known as the ‘open’ relationship. Ah yes…and this one goes something like, ‘I love you and only you, but I’m so damn horny I’ve just got to sleep with this other person before I see you again — thanks for not minding’. In my experience, this is just a classically Bad Idea. Good luck finding someone who cares about you enough to try to make something work across national boundaries, but who doesn’t mind sharing you with anonymous others.
Celibacy. Right. Not for the weak of heart. Celibacy requires a delicate mix of self-control, true love and confidence that your partner isn’t going around mattress-dancing behind your back. Highly recommended, of course, for couples who may have a clear picture of the future floating around in their heads.
Granted, not one of these approaches does anything to assuage the horribleness that is a long-distance relationship. You’re still going to miss this person, you’re still going to feel weirdly guilty about flirting with others, and you’re still going to occasionally weep into your microphone on Skype and irrationally beg the other person to drop everything and move to Delft. These things really can’t be avoided.
But if, on the other hand, you can schedule alternating trips for you and your darling, you might just be able to work something out. It’s all about looking forward to that specific moment in time when you’ll have them in your arms again: marking x’s on your calendar for every day you’re apart, and little pink hearts for every day you’re together. Numbers are something real: you count down the days, and you can quantify the amount of hours until you see them again. Sure, it sounds desperate and lonely, but who ever said love was easy? It’s terrible. It makes you do ridiculous things (little pink hearts? Hello?), and it makes you crazy. You’re thinking of that last kiss at the airport when you should be focusing on algorithms. You’re remembering that sweet letter you just got in the mail, when you should be concentrating on the cars slamming into each other as you cross the road. You are ridiculous; and you’re in love.
Dorothy Parker, MSc Architecture, is from the United States. Her next column will be published in Delta 01. She can be emailed at: onbezorgd@gmail.com
“At a university crawling with foreign students like TU Delft, there’s one thing all these internationals have in common. Heartbreak. Whether you’re Erasmus or International Masters, or even Dutch, you can appreciate the drama that goes along with a girlfriend or boyfriend across an ocean, and only available via Skype. Distance can be trying on a relationship. In fact, so many relationships have failed because of the distance factor that one begins to wonder: is love really all you need?
Of course not. You also need support, friendship, physical contact and a bit of lust. Love goes a long way, but without being able to run up and give your boyfriend a big sloppy kiss when you just passed an exam, things can get somewhat tense. In any case, there’s always someone else around who’s instantly available for kissing, and well, this can be dangerous. Let’s just say, you can’t underestimate the power of presence. In so many break-up scenarios, the argument is just, ‘she was there‘, followed by an implied, ‘and you were not’.
Now I’m not here to defend infidelity, but I do think that words like ‘cheating’ aren’t always synonymous with a lack of loyalty. Meaningless sex has always been a refuge for some, and when you’re suddenly eight months and 10,000 km away from your sweetie, that nameless person next to you can start to look pretty appealing. So what to do? There are many different tactics for handling this, of course. Here are some tried and true solutions (although no one is promising a happily-ever-after for any of these):
The denial. Also known as the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ scenario. This one usually works if you both keep your mouths shut. The minute one partner asks (or tells), the relationship dissolves pretty quickly. A little thing called trust can be a huge factor in keeping that transatlantic flame alive.
So trust is important, but, well, how about honesty? Also known as the ‘open’ relationship. Ah yes…and this one goes something like, ‘I love you and only you, but I’m so damn horny I’ve just got to sleep with this other person before I see you again — thanks for not minding’. In my experience, this is just a classically Bad Idea. Good luck finding someone who cares about you enough to try to make something work across national boundaries, but who doesn’t mind sharing you with anonymous others.
Celibacy. Right. Not for the weak of heart. Celibacy requires a delicate mix of self-control, true love and confidence that your partner isn’t going around mattress-dancing behind your back. Highly recommended, of course, for couples who may have a clear picture of the future floating around in their heads.
Granted, not one of these approaches does anything to assuage the horribleness that is a long-distance relationship. You’re still going to miss this person, you’re still going to feel weirdly guilty about flirting with others, and you’re still going to occasionally weep into your microphone on Skype and irrationally beg the other person to drop everything and move to Delft. These things really can’t be avoided.
But if, on the other hand, you can schedule alternating trips for you and your darling, you might just be able to work something out. It’s all about looking forward to that specific moment in time when you’ll have them in your arms again: marking x’s on your calendar for every day you’re apart, and little pink hearts for every day you’re together. Numbers are something real: you count down the days, and you can quantify the amount of hours until you see them again. Sure, it sounds desperate and lonely, but who ever said love was easy? It’s terrible. It makes you do ridiculous things (little pink hearts? Hello?), and it makes you crazy. You’re thinking of that last kiss at the airport when you should be focusing on algorithms. You’re remembering that sweet letter you just got in the mail, when you should be concentrating on the cars slamming into each other as you cross the road. You are ridiculous; and you’re in love.
Dorothy Parker, MSc Architecture, is from the United States. Her next column will be published in Delta 01. She can be emailed at: onbezorgd@gmail.com
Comments are closed.