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News Below Sea Level

”Sadness at takeover. Air France swallows up KLM”, the Telegraph headlined on news that Dutch air carrier and national symbol KLM is merging with Air France.

The Dutch cabinet is likely to approve the deal. Unions believe the merger will result in more jobs at KLM. Amsterdam’s Schiphol airport is worried that the merger will result in 15% of its flights being diverted to Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, because the French government owns 54% of Air France%s shares.

A majority of parliamentarians want animal rights activists to be regarded as terrorists. Since 1999, a nimal rights activists have committed more than 300 acts of violence, but no one has been arrested for these acts. Elsewhere on the terrorism front, VVD politician Geert Wilders said mosques in Holland suspected of undermining public order by, for example, recruiting members for Holy Jihad, should be closed. Minister of Home Affairs Johan Remkes pointed out that such a move would ”violate the principle of freedom of religion.” Wilders has since received death threats, his photo appearing on a website with the caption, ”He must die for his fascist remarks about Islam, Muslims, and the Palestinian struggle.” A United Nations report concludes that ”the Netherlands is bad for public health”, because the country’s the largest producer of synthetic drugs like xtc and therefore endangers world public health.

Dutch trade union federation FNV has become the world’s first organization to draw up company guidelines for “body ornaments”. The trade union says young personnel are often forced to cover their piercings with bandages. “But then everyone wonders what the band-aids are for,” a trade union spokesman said. “I can understand why people in fancy restaurants don’t want to be served by someone with rings in their tongue, eyebrows, nose and ears. But how can you forbid a neat, simple nose piercing?”

The Dutch Royal family is embroiled in a tabloid scandal. Mabel Wisse-Smit, who is engaged to Queen Beatrix’s second oldest son, Prince Johan Friso, is accused of having had a love affair with the Dutch “Godfather”, Klaas Bruinsma, one of Holland’s most notorious mafiosi who was gunned down in Amsterdam in 1991. The future princess denies being anything more than an acquaintance of Bruinsma’s. A Volkskrant poll found that ”70% of the Dutch population thinks Mabel is lying.”

A 60-year old Dutchman claims he had a ”black-out” on the day he stopped his car on train tracks and jumped out of it, leaving his wife in the car, moments before an express train hit the car, killing his wife. The man remains in police custody pending further investigation. ”Ajax haters” set fire to Ajax soccer team’s bus while it was parked next to the hotel where the team was sleeping prior to a match against FC Groningen. The bus exploded, destroying part of the hotel. Ajax coach Ronald Koeman responded by saying, ”Our whole society is rotten.” Elderly people in an Amsterdam neighbourhood are demanding local authorities create a place for them to “hang out” together, to help combat their growing loneliness. Elsewhere, a “Miss Dutch 50+” beauty pageant was won by pert 61-year-old redhead Rudi van Veen who judges said won “not because of pretty skin, blond hair or slim proportions” but because of her %liveliness”. However, a similar contest to find the sexiest man over 50 was cancelled because there were too few contestants. And finally, Harvard University’s prize for the world’s most useless scientific research went to a Dutch scientist from the Natural Sciences Museum in Rotterdam, for his eye-witness observation of the first case of homosexual necrophilia in the wild duck. The Rotterdam conservationist saw a wild duck kill himself by flying into a closed window of his museum, and then watched as the dead duck was raped for 45-minutes by another male wild duck.

”Sadness at takeover. Air France swallows up KLM”, the Telegraph headlined on news that Dutch air carrier and national symbol KLM is merging with Air France. The Dutch cabinet is likely to approve the deal. Unions believe the merger will result in more jobs at KLM. Amsterdam’s Schiphol airport is worried that the merger will result in 15% of its flights being diverted to Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, because the French government owns 54% of Air France%s shares.

A majority of parliamentarians want animal rights activists to be regarded as terrorists. Since 1999, a nimal rights activists have committed more than 300 acts of violence, but no one has been arrested for these acts. Elsewhere on the terrorism front, VVD politician Geert Wilders said mosques in Holland suspected of undermining public order by, for example, recruiting members for Holy Jihad, should be closed. Minister of Home Affairs Johan Remkes pointed out that such a move would ”violate the principle of freedom of religion.” Wilders has since received death threats, his photo appearing on a website with the caption, ”He must die for his fascist remarks about Islam, Muslims, and the Palestinian struggle.” A United Nations report concludes that ”the Netherlands is bad for public health”, because the country’s the largest producer of synthetic drugs like xtc and therefore endangers world public health.

Dutch trade union federation FNV has become the world’s first organization to draw up company guidelines for “body ornaments”. The trade union says young personnel are often forced to cover their piercings with bandages. “But then everyone wonders what the band-aids are for,” a trade union spokesman said. “I can understand why people in fancy restaurants don’t want to be served by someone with rings in their tongue, eyebrows, nose and ears. But how can you forbid a neat, simple nose piercing?”

The Dutch Royal family is embroiled in a tabloid scandal. Mabel Wisse-Smit, who is engaged to Queen Beatrix’s second oldest son, Prince Johan Friso, is accused of having had a love affair with the Dutch “Godfather”, Klaas Bruinsma, one of Holland’s most notorious mafiosi who was gunned down in Amsterdam in 1991. The future princess denies being anything more than an acquaintance of Bruinsma’s. A Volkskrant poll found that ”70% of the Dutch population thinks Mabel is lying.”

A 60-year old Dutchman claims he had a ”black-out” on the day he stopped his car on train tracks and jumped out of it, leaving his wife in the car, moments before an express train hit the car, killing his wife. The man remains in police custody pending further investigation. ”Ajax haters” set fire to Ajax soccer team’s bus while it was parked next to the hotel where the team was sleeping prior to a match against FC Groningen. The bus exploded, destroying part of the hotel. Ajax coach Ronald Koeman responded by saying, ”Our whole society is rotten.” Elderly people in an Amsterdam neighbourhood are demanding local authorities create a place for them to “hang out” together, to help combat their growing loneliness. Elsewhere, a “Miss Dutch 50+” beauty pageant was won by pert 61-year-old redhead Rudi van Veen who judges said won “not because of pretty skin, blond hair or slim proportions” but because of her %liveliness”. However, a similar contest to find the sexiest man over 50 was cancelled because there were too few contestants. And finally, Harvard University’s prize for the world’s most useless scientific research went to a Dutch scientist from the Natural Sciences Museum in Rotterdam, for his eye-witness observation of the first case of homosexual necrophilia in the wild duck. The Rotterdam conservationist saw a wild duck kill himself by flying into a closed window of his museum, and then watched as the dead duck was raped for 45-minutes by another male wild duck.

Editor Redactie

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