My last weekly column… During four months as Delta columnist, I received three letters from readers: two fan letters and one hate letter..
. the hate letter coming from a fellow Yank who compared me to the Imam of Rotterdam, seriously, which is funny but so unfair!… For one thing, I don’t have a scraggly pubic-hairy type beard growing out the sides of my neck like Imams have!… I mean, if I wanted to, I could grow the kind of thick full beard that Osama bin Laden wet-dreams about!… But what actually stops me from applying for that Imam king-of-the-mosque gig is, I confess,… my foot odor problem!… I’m talking mosque-clearing, Limburger cheese feet!… When I take off my shoes you better believe in Allah!… I bet-… before I finish that sentence, how far do I have to go to earn a fatwa?… Because I’ve been thinking, a fatwa might be just the thing I need to kick-start my crumbling career!… get me an invite to join the VVD… tea with that shoeless-refugee-turned-bourgeois-queen Hirsi Ali… solidarity calls from Salman Rushdie… fatwa’s the best damn thing ever happened to ol’ Salman, who’s now livin’ large in a NYC penthouse, able to afford his expensive back-hair removal treatments, buy himself an ex-model girlfriend… So, here goes [the last act of pathetic, desperate Western guys & gals circa 2003: Muslim-bashing!]… Mohammed had stink foot!… no! I’m sorry, on second thought I didn’t mean it, I take it back!… please don’t kill me!… I’m too poor to die!… it was a typo!… I meant to write… er… “Mohammed had pink goats!”… it’s outrageous, unjust! how dare they! this is a free society! if you don’t like it go back to Somalia we’re free to write & say what we want here God Save the Queen who is incidentally a [free to fill-in the blank]!… Have my bodyguards arrived yet?… And what’s up with all those Dutch magazine articles about being-becoming a Bodyguard… I mean just how big an asshole must you be to take a bullet in the spine for me + 50 euros an hour because I impulsively wrote stink foot!?… Bodyguards & lowly desert soldier boys serving oily millionaires… fools of a kind…
My last weekly column… get out while the gettin’s good, before I start repeating myself… Although I never did get round to writing …Dutch women (2)’, so, condensed in a snortable line, I say: Dutch women are the supreme beauties of Europe but watch out foreign boys!, they’re pittige tantes, hoor!… And I’d also planned to write a column about Dutch humor, which at its best is dry & straight-faced… But since you can’t describe humor, I’ll end with an anecdote that captures the strain of Dutch humor I like best: One day when I was hanging out with a Dutch guy and a drunken Brit, the Brit (as they always do when drunk) started getting all sentimentally nationalistic, bragging about WWII and how Britain saved Europe blah, blah… Anyway, this Brit says sneeringly to the Dutch guy, “And Holland… Hitler conquered you in six days!”, to which the dry-as-dust Dutch guy replied, “Yeah, but he said he’d do it in four.”… My last weekly column.
My last weekly column… During four months as Delta columnist, I received three letters from readers: two fan letters and one hate letter… the hate letter coming from a fellow Yank who compared me to the Imam of Rotterdam, seriously, which is funny but so unfair!… For one thing, I don’t have a scraggly pubic-hairy type beard growing out the sides of my neck like Imams have!… I mean, if I wanted to, I could grow the kind of thick full beard that Osama bin Laden wet-dreams about!… But what actually stops me from applying for that Imam king-of-the-mosque gig is, I confess,… my foot odor problem!… I’m talking mosque-clearing, Limburger cheese feet!… When I take off my shoes you better believe in Allah!… I bet-… before I finish that sentence, how far do I have to go to earn a fatwa?… Because I’ve been thinking, a fatwa might be just the thing I need to kick-start my crumbling career!… get me an invite to join the VVD… tea with that shoeless-refugee-turned-bourgeois-queen Hirsi Ali… solidarity calls from Salman Rushdie… fatwa’s the best damn thing ever happened to ol’ Salman, who’s now livin’ large in a NYC penthouse, able to afford his expensive back-hair removal treatments, buy himself an ex-model girlfriend… So, here goes [the last act of pathetic, desperate Western guys & gals circa 2003: Muslim-bashing!]… Mohammed had stink foot!… no! I’m sorry, on second thought I didn’t mean it, I take it back!… please don’t kill me!… I’m too poor to die!… it was a typo!… I meant to write… er… “Mohammed had pink goats!”… it’s outrageous, unjust! how dare they! this is a free society! if you don’t like it go back to Somalia we’re free to write & say what we want here God Save the Queen who is incidentally a [free to fill-in the blank]!… Have my bodyguards arrived yet?… And what’s up with all those Dutch magazine articles about being-becoming a Bodyguard… I mean just how big an asshole must you be to take a bullet in the spine for me + 50 euros an hour because I impulsively wrote stink foot!?… Bodyguards & lowly desert soldier boys serving oily millionaires… fools of a kind…
My last weekly column… get out while the gettin’s good, before I start repeating myself… Although I never did get round to writing …Dutch women (2)’, so, condensed in a snortable line, I say: Dutch women are the supreme beauties of Europe but watch out foreign boys!, they’re pittige tantes, hoor!… And I’d also planned to write a column about Dutch humor, which at its best is dry & straight-faced… But since you can’t describe humor, I’ll end with an anecdote that captures the strain of Dutch humor I like best: One day when I was hanging out with a Dutch guy and a drunken Brit, the Brit (as they always do when drunk) started getting all sentimentally nationalistic, bragging about WWII and how Britain saved Europe blah, blah… Anyway, this Brit says sneeringly to the Dutch guy, “And Holland… Hitler conquered you in six days!”, to which the dry-as-dust Dutch guy replied, “Yeah, but he said he’d do it in four.”… My last weekly column.
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